What is it like to be an adult with learning disabilities? It is exhausting to hiding, embarrassing, fearful and shameful. There are many simple words I cannot remember how to spell, the same words ,every single day over and over again. I am not talking about complex words . I doubt I could pass a third grade spelling test and I often cannot read words. It's like an autoimmune disease some days are worse then others and everyday is a battlefield in my mind .
My secretes. All jobs require some level of competent reading, writing and basic math. I have never shared with an employer before or after hiring me any limitations I might have. Can you imagine If I told my employer without a spellcheck I spell like a nine year old , I cannot do basic math with out a calculator and may have trouble reading, this is something that's better left unsaid. frankly I have developed ways to hide my weaknesses and I end up overachieving trying so hard to compensate. I find the quickest workarounds and end up being a very high producer in all my jobs. None the less I fear if I share my weaknesses with people they will use it against me and probably at some level this is a real possibility.
Fear. Let me tell you what triggers me faking a seizure; Reading out loud to a room full of people. One thing my brain unconsciously does instead of skipping a word I cannot read or stopping to try to figure it out, I fill it in with a word that means the same thing. Example, I will be read out loud " The gardener requests we pick a baskets full of Pansies" Unaware I will replace the word Pansies with the word flower. I actually did not know I did this until someone pointed it out to me. The fear I will bump into a word publicly I cannot read causes much anxiety. What adult cannot read the word "dashcam" ? honest to God one time I spent 20 minutes trying to read this word unsuccessfully.I only figured it out when someone put context to the word. And do not even ask me to stand at whiteboard and write words that are called out. You'd be surprise how often this skill is required in the corporate world! I would fake a heart attack before I would do that. One time I was a Sunday school helper and when asked to stand at the whiteboard I just flat out told the other teacher this 10 year old will spell better then I, and I handed the marker over. No way , on the spot, under pressure could I concentrate enough to spell.
Shame. Words that bring me shame. [You don't know how to spell THAT? You really ARE a bad speller. You don't try hard enough. I am a bad speller too. You must just be lazy. WOW you could not read that? You had to use a calculator for THAT? You could never do THAT job. People think you are stupid.] This is the stuff that floats around my head and sometime out of other peoples mouths. My pride wants to hide all my fault from others and put on a show that I am as smart and capable as everyone else. But inside I know how hard things are for me things that come easier for most people and if I let myself I will struggle with self worth.
How it works. I have a vivid memory of being in school, I think about second grade and opening a book and the words and letters all looked like hieroglyphs to me. I am going to try to articulate how this works for me. It takes excruciating levels of concentration to slow my thinking down to a speed it would require for me to spell, but even then individual letters mean nothing to me, its like looking at patterns in the popcorn celling. Sometimes when I look at a word flat, alone, out of context I cannot read. Think about alphabet soup, this is what I see when I cannot read a word. In my mind there is silence when there should be sound, my brain cannot make a connection with the symbols ( the letters) to produce this and I feel mute but If I find the meaning of the word, I usually will remember hearing it and then I can pronounce it .
All things. What is strange and complex about all of this is I read and write all the time, my issues are not from lack of exposure. I spent my entire adolescent with my nose in a Sweet Valley High book and I have had a journal or blog all of my adult life. Thank God for computers and spellcheckers, I can only imagine how hard it would be to keep a job without these things! I know we all have things that bring us shame, we all have weaknesses we hide from others. I pray in my weakness I have gained compassion for the weaknesses of others, and I know, from my experience in my lack that God works all thing for my good.
My secretes. All jobs require some level of competent reading, writing and basic math. I have never shared with an employer before or after hiring me any limitations I might have. Can you imagine If I told my employer without a spellcheck I spell like a nine year old , I cannot do basic math with out a calculator and may have trouble reading, this is something that's better left unsaid. frankly I have developed ways to hide my weaknesses and I end up overachieving trying so hard to compensate. I find the quickest workarounds and end up being a very high producer in all my jobs. None the less I fear if I share my weaknesses with people they will use it against me and probably at some level this is a real possibility.
Fear. Let me tell you what triggers me faking a seizure; Reading out loud to a room full of people. One thing my brain unconsciously does instead of skipping a word I cannot read or stopping to try to figure it out, I fill it in with a word that means the same thing. Example, I will be read out loud " The gardener requests we pick a baskets full of Pansies" Unaware I will replace the word Pansies with the word flower. I actually did not know I did this until someone pointed it out to me. The fear I will bump into a word publicly I cannot read causes much anxiety. What adult cannot read the word "dashcam" ? honest to God one time I spent 20 minutes trying to read this word unsuccessfully.I only figured it out when someone put context to the word. And do not even ask me to stand at whiteboard and write words that are called out. You'd be surprise how often this skill is required in the corporate world! I would fake a heart attack before I would do that. One time I was a Sunday school helper and when asked to stand at the whiteboard I just flat out told the other teacher this 10 year old will spell better then I, and I handed the marker over. No way , on the spot, under pressure could I concentrate enough to spell.
Shame. Words that bring me shame. [You don't know how to spell THAT? You really ARE a bad speller. You don't try hard enough. I am a bad speller too. You must just be lazy. WOW you could not read that? You had to use a calculator for THAT? You could never do THAT job. People think you are stupid.] This is the stuff that floats around my head and sometime out of other peoples mouths. My pride wants to hide all my fault from others and put on a show that I am as smart and capable as everyone else. But inside I know how hard things are for me things that come easier for most people and if I let myself I will struggle with self worth.
How it works. I have a vivid memory of being in school, I think about second grade and opening a book and the words and letters all looked like hieroglyphs to me. I am going to try to articulate how this works for me. It takes excruciating levels of concentration to slow my thinking down to a speed it would require for me to spell, but even then individual letters mean nothing to me, its like looking at patterns in the popcorn celling. Sometimes when I look at a word flat, alone, out of context I cannot read. Think about alphabet soup, this is what I see when I cannot read a word. In my mind there is silence when there should be sound, my brain cannot make a connection with the symbols ( the letters) to produce this and I feel mute but If I find the meaning of the word, I usually will remember hearing it and then I can pronounce it .
All things. What is strange and complex about all of this is I read and write all the time, my issues are not from lack of exposure. I spent my entire adolescent with my nose in a Sweet Valley High book and I have had a journal or blog all of my adult life. Thank God for computers and spellcheckers, I can only imagine how hard it would be to keep a job without these things! I know we all have things that bring us shame, we all have weaknesses we hide from others. I pray in my weakness I have gained compassion for the weaknesses of others, and I know, from my experience in my lack that God works all thing for my good.
Share Starlings - Album Version by Randy Stonehill
